Infinitesimal

by Unwoman

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  • Streaming + Download

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

    Infinitesimal was originally released in 1999 or 2000. It contained 16 tracks. This release also includes seven bonus tracks, and a pdf full of Unwoman's photos and lyrics-in-progress from ages 15-19, plus scans of the original printouts included when Infinitesimal was first duplicated.
    -
    My first official release, Knowledge Scars, came out 10 years ago (2-20-2002). In celebration, I'm releasing this early work that was never officially released.
    The CDR is sold out. Enjoy the download!

      $1 USD  or more

     

  • USB Flash Drive + Digital Album

    Crystal USB with red LED and 8GB capacity. Shiny clear acrylic & brushed steel. Contains 24+ hours of Unwoman's music including My Kingdom As Great; Uncovered Volume 3; Selected Songpoems; both regular & instrumental versions of Circling, The Fires I Started, and Casualties; several other original and covers albums & EPS; the dark-ambient EP, IDTWS; and bonus tracks not available anywhere else. Does not contain the newest subscription-only songs.

    Files are very high quality 320 kbps mp3s, but fans who prefer lossless may request download codes for FLAC files.

    Includes unlimited streaming of My Kingdom As Great via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    ships out within 5 days

      $60 USD or more 

     

  • Full Digital Discography

    Get all 26 Unwoman releases available on Bandcamp and save 25%.

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of My Kingdom As Great, Breathe Out (5 minutes version), Uncovered Volume 3, Selected Songpoems 2016, Come Take a Trip In My Airship, Sometimes Radical, Circling Instrumentals, Circling, and 18 more. , and , .

    Excludes subscriber-only releases.

      $37.49 USD or more (25% OFF)

     

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about

Infinitesimal was a pretty important practice album I put together in early 2000 (at age 19). I put a lot of work and care into the song order and lyric sheets. I was experimenting with form, sonic textures and songwriting techniques. I made this while I was studying at UCSC (where I majored in music and minored in electronic music, because I'm so well rounded.) I probably made 20 copies, tops. I gave some away, I sold some to my 5 fans, I gave some to DJs who probably sold them to Rasputins for $0.50 and now regret it because maybe someday I'll actually be famous.

I have done a rough but helpful remastering on this 16-track album. I've written a little commentary on each track, and am also presenting seven historically significant bonus tracks -- the first song I ever wrote (age 14) which I recorded at 15; the first song I ever produced ("Dispossessed," at 17 at Diablo Valley College), plus various other tracks from around the time of Infinitesimal which didn't fit at the time.

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From 1999/2000:
Note: Some tracks have hum, noise, or other technical problems. Please ignore this for greater enjoyment of artistic expression. Also, it is probably obvious that the author of these songs took herself incredibly seriously. In order to appreciate this music, pretend that you take it seriously. The following are very brief notes; I could write forever about each of these songs, but will spare you.

[That is the original note on the sheet that's brief notes on all songs, which I originally included with the CDR. I am writing more notes about each song here bandcamp but the original scan of this notes sheet is included in the pdf that will come with the album download. Re. My artist name: if I recall correctly, I put Infinitesimal together before I chose the name Unwoman, but shortly thereafter I burned copies with the name Unwoman in the cover art (as you see in the scans & the recreated cover image.) Notes written Feb 2012 are the ones in [].]

credits

released December 20, 1999

Erica Mulkey aka Unwoman -- most songwriting and production.

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license

Some rights reserved. Please refer to individual track pages for license info.

about

Unwoman San Francisco

Unwoman is a San Francisco-based cellist-singer-songwriter. Layered with skillful cello, rich vocals, and electronically arranged beats, her solo music is a futuristic homage to her classical training. Unwoman has been featured at steampunk, goth, and sci-fi-related events all over North America and has performed with Abney Park, Rasputina, Voltaire, Amanda Palmer, Stripmall Architecture... ... more

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Track Name: Under the Sand
Within, without and over, you are to me
Under the sky, under the sand buried your face beneath
Only for our comet somewhere far away
Denying the pain we cause ourselves you should stay
The truth will come; I can't go on
Let it wash into the sea

Why don't you stay if it feels so good inside me?
Condemn my words
Within, without.

Now is the time when silver ties have come undone
Broken promises, mistrust, never the only one
I could wish all I can on the heavens above
But never restore the faith we had, in what you called Love
Track Name: Mediocrity
You sleaze in everything you do. Once you sodomized a child, and never even
knew her name. That night I lay and wished for none of what you tried to
give me. "You're like two sirens" you said. But I never called you.

Still I always wanted my name in lights
What I thought I could do for fame, back in those nights

But now I will not submit to mediocrity
"Angel named Mercy," who could that be?
Any fool could see through you
Ephemeral bullshit is not for me

I was a 25 dollar whore for you
I wasted my talent on your worthless crap
I was no one, trying to make you look good
The worst job I've ever had to give

(I'll never submit again)
Nevermore will I submit to mediocrity
Your self-serving ignorance, hypocrisy
I was ashamed by our name and your pretension
I know this life of whoredom is not for me

In all your decadence I will not lie
(an inside joke, July 1999)
Track Name: Lament For Peter Pan
Sweet unrest grows sour -- striving, excruciating
yet wanting so badly to atone...
"Go, then and scorn fidelity. Guilt will follow."

This tightrope I walk slices through my feet as the are clay
As if I were meant to fall into both sides of sorrows (so grave, so deep)
To be forced by guile and guilt which so manipulate
For I have paid in insincerity for my small mistakes

I fear the imminent gravity of aborted wishes
I have seen before through eyes like his
I know the pain separation gives
And he hasn't yet learned
Forever never means forever....anymore, anymore, anymore...did it ever?

This is for washing the sorrows away
From these feet like clay...

The rope now gives way, and I know where I stand
He's within, without, and so very over
Like a sweet, sweet dream into which I'll never step again, anymore...
(But there are other dreams, oh yes)

* Well in the night I dream about you
In the day I find no rest
Just the thought of you, my darling
Sends aching pains all through my chest

Days grow longer and enamored with the spring
Longer now I watch your face, blue in the silent dusk
But how long will hopes remain inside, entombed, beseeching us
And how long till your faraway eyes will reach for me
Will they ever reach again?
Do I hold no mystery? (anymore...)
And how can we romanticize
Once those burning eyes
Have wrapped around my flesh, so consuming my enigma
Is there nothing left?
anymore, anymore, anymore...

This remorse will never disappear
While he refuses to dry his tears
Our guilty hands never rinse clear
So we remain blind in fear -- and never love

(Waltz:)
Oh never again to be swept off my feet, nevermore nevermore nevermore
And never again know the hope so sweet, nevermore...

But "nevermore?" I've said it before, nevermore...
And always the same find the lies, all the blame lies within, evermore, evermore

But you taught me to hate this slow loss of emotion, this motion toward death, toward stillness,
The oceans of blood from your lips as you let out the pain
I feel mine in your words till we've both been drained

Though ever I grow colder, my hope never wanes to leave me so alone
Alone in my dreams forgetful of these, my first silver idols

But electric as daydreams are still, I fear I'll watch you grow ever duller
If you ever let me touch you, if my mind gets any fuller with time
If I see through your words to a heart frail as mine, delicate as ice in April

For only the truly unreachable can still hold fascination for such as we
Only the truly unreachable can still fascinate me
anymore, anymore, anymore, anymore....

* Well, when I'm dead and in my coffin
With my feet turned toward the sun
Come and sit beside me, darling,
Come and think on the way you've done

* from folk song, "East Virginia," not included in Knowledge Scars version
Track Name: The Little Mermaid
"Are you not fonder of me than of all the rest?" cried her eyes
"Yes, you are dearest of all to me -- you, the silent one; if not no one, then you."

But then he speaks of her -- the unknown, a false angel.
The mermaid chokes in fear, but still she hopes...

How can you want something more than me? I give my life for yours, sacrifice my voice
Only in hope, a thousand knives each step, that I may share your soul
Oh, if only I could sing, or if this heart had wings, I would be your angel.

Word travels fast, soon despair comes crashing, crashing down
Only blood and sisters' love can save her life now.
A thousand knives. She dances into death that night.
The sea so cold, black, unyielding.
A promise to fall. So only murder can save her now, but what's the use
Her love is gone either way, so why fight?

How can you want more than me? I rewrote my future in foam for you
I gave my life to see this through and am betrayed. And disintegrate. Oooh...

Oh -- Why must true illusion, not love, conquer all?
(April 1998)
Track Name: Infinitesimal
The echoes fade each season and return
I am haunted by "We have all the time in the world"
Because you, my young older man, won't deceive me with permanence
You will never lie or let me hope

In these electric daydreams I search for you
Here are the empty streets, the forest, the dancefloor of tacit desires,
Here is the night you slept on the floor,
Here is the night of rain which I will always remember

But I have seen cascades of tears running away from me
At the end of these years -- growing up's not all it should be
You're so fixed in your ideals: you'll be victorious
(Refuse to try these appeals) against your own happiness.

This electricity never faded, now memory holds me secure.
By morning pain will be dried, brine round our eyes.
And I am always warm, always satisfied

Because we are infinitesimal. We are too small, too small to wonder.

Now is the trial, the test of faith.
I remain faithful in my quest for understanding
You, the greatest mystery of all
I am only a wasp slayer; I am both hunter and prey,
And I remember in devoted solitude

Oh, I have seen cascades of tears....

We are infinitesimal. We are too small, too small to doubt
When happiness rests at our feet
We are infinitesimal. We are....
(June 1998)
Track Name: Resolution
The guilt anchored me
But your face could launch a thousand ships
And the sky on those nights would steal any heart
And now the remorse is yours
I hung her on your wall for a reason -- bloody hands, roses
I would have done anything to be rid of her
Except give up hope of touching you, so I succumbed

I have always been blind
I will never learn to let go
(For now I purge the lies)
You failed, you failed like all the rest,
At least I though you'd try
But my dreams of true love disappeared in half a week

I touched you, I found your heart
I found it frail but unkind
I'll never lay a hand on your soul again.

But God how I long to have those nights back
The time before bitterness took hold
Innocence was painted black and violet
In the violence of floods, in the oceans of memories
Cascading from this punctured heart
That still cries for new wounds...

The sorrows couldn't wash away as quickly as love did
No time passed before silence and proverbial illusion conquered all
And no tears fell after that night, the fall, but nostalgia burns
And I am always warm
This is my new tightrope
I can't see beneath my feet -- I could fall into space
This loss of hope is eternal
You never believed we were infinitesimal; I still see it --

On nights like this when the sky falls
I can still resist hoping
I have no more dreams of love
I only dream of telling my story
(Still I wait for someone to sweep me away, to awaken me to illusory bliss)
There is only this song
You are absolved
Will I ever be possessed by another?
(Never wish for the impossible)
There is only this song
Track Name: seikS tnacaV
(Oh pretty boy, how can I feel sad for you?
I don't even know your words are true
And this light is a dying star)

Never more will I wish for vacant skies to pull me in
All my memories are nightmares
I'll sleep alone all of my life
For no one wants to touch me
When I expected you
To SAVE ME FROM MONOTONY
To show me some sympathy
But no one who has ever hurt can feel for me
The child of a happy home and of the sea
When any minute I could be destroyed
(By just one word from you)
Track Name: Paresthesia
Do you ever wonder, wonder who
Silently came, quickly left, left a flower for you?
He said "be wary of symbols" and I see them so clear
But I have dreams -- one of them is you -- they eclipse all my fear

Can you tell me why I dream of you?
Hungry and male, and her, long-lashed and beautiful-sad
Was the electricity only the sparks behind my eyes
In the redness of parched, scorched earth
Thirsty your eyes, or my blood

But its your smile in those moments that lets in hope
I subsist on this, I desist as you resist
But how twisted my desires grow
And when will I feel your eyes, your dark eyes
On my flesh, on my breast
Where I fear my displayed heart lies?

...and oh, the paresthesia when I pretend you want me
When my subconcious taunts me with this impossible dream....
(November 1999)
Track Name: Vacant Skies
Never more will I wish for vacant skies to pull me in
All my memories are nightmares
I'll sleep alone all of my life
For no one wants to touch me
When I expected you
To SAVE ME FROM MONOTONY
To show me some sympathy
But no one who has ever hurt can feel for me
The child of a happy home and of the sea
When any minute I could be destroyed
Track Name: Sorrows
This is for washing the sorrows away
From these feet like clay
Away, away....
Track Name: Bonus - Dispossessed DVC 1997
Half a world away I waited, silent
You'd kept me hanging on while I knew I needed distance
You finally threw me down, no promise anymore
Our words of love, delusions fell apart, copulating on the floor

And summer came and destroyed any other words
Now I can never call that lust by any other name
And you could tell those lies only while spring's blossoms grew
So I left my door open wide for something new

Now I fly through summer's air solely dispossessed
I feel the wind between my legs where once your hand caressed
How could I have been so blind to your fallacies?
Now thanks to slowly severed bonds I've risen to my knees and summer --

Summer came, days grew long
Everything you told me was wrong
For you knew all along
What you'd do to me
And in the spring you said those words
You said them, how you cried them
You said those words -- FOREVER -- you said them but you lied them

How can I stand at the crossroads without doubt?
How can I move forward, trusting now, without desire?
How will autumn fall between, inside our jaded hearts?
How can I touch without igniting fatal fire?

And she said "Stop looking to the heavens for omens, for love:
The answer lies within and it's always 'NO'
No more lies, no more hope"

(Summer burnt our reason)
But you were so, so full of promise
Or was that just PROMISCUITY?
And summer fades.
(September 1997)
Track Name: Bonus - Knowledge Scars 1999
Such a lovely fall from grace
Such a pretty tearful face
Silence rules falsely empty hearts
In this fevered, cold embrace

Intuition's wrong, though dreams implore so strongly
Upon these wings of fire no other has desired so
Could my hope be killed within another sin, oh
I'd touch your soul again but pretense wears so thin, within

If only I could wait; if only I could have faith
In love -- in love -- like yesterday
Then along you come, so cool, emotionless
And I can only open my arms, close my eyes, and wait

Knowledge scars with twisted limbs
Always given, given in
Torn by vapid lust
Deny our broken trust.
(July 1997, revised November 1998)
Track Name: Bonus - Unnecessary 1995
So now you said you found yourself
And I'm sure that there is not room for me
And you said that there is nothing else
And you have enough to get by alone

Oh now you say you found yourself
That peace, happiness and love that you always wanted

I know I should give up this selfish desire
Always wanting something I can never have
But I want what you've got
Or at least I want you
I could try to give all I have